We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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