The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
