went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
