my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
