8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
