thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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