I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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