Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
