Your face is a jimmy john
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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