fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
