i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
