I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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