The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
