well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
