I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
