nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
