conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
