No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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