Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
