so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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