I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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