Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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