It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
