It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
