so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
