i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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