I got chris browned last night
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize