put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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