My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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