I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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