filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
