If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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