I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
