My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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