Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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