I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
even my farts smell like vagina
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
