i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
