you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
