better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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