He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
