my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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