She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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