Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
