I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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