I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
