i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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