I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
