Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just found puke in my bra..
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
