Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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