I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
