Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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