The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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