the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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