Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
