the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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