Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
