highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
