So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
