I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
