I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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