i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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