Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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