Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
