worst night to have a conscience
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
