I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
