I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
