Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
