it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
